Stupid Bike Jerseys

Everyone is trying to express themselves, I understand. We’re all trying to be different – I get that. But why, oh, why does this have to include something as sacred as a cycling jersey? We conform to the sacred, not the other way around. The cycling jersey is a symbol of glorious suffering. It tells a graphic tale of courageous sportsmanship, and the brave ones who’ve gone before us. The jersey is earned, and then prized.

51hJ7qrXoXLHere’s one. What’s the message? Look at me, I wear dumb clothing on my bike, too. Not only is this yellow – a sacred color in cycling – but it portrays cyclists as round, sweaty creatures. The Maillot Jeune is the leader’s jersey earned in the Tour de France. It’s not a nod to a mutant version of Barney the dinosaur.



390473791969_1Oh my gosh, if you weren’t wearing a jersey explaining you’re not Bradley Wiggins, I might have mistaken you for a brilliant professional cyclist. Really?! Note the continued desecration of yellow.




201110151025Want people to think you’re fat? Hang a sign on yourself to that effect and eliminate all doubt immediately. Better yet, end all speculation that you might benefit from exercise and bring some credit to your sport. I wonder in what sizes these jerseys are available? Cycling is about strength and the beauty of powerful, fluid motion.



donthonkatmeBike activists hate motorists, so they insult them by reminding them that they’re probably selfish jerks who’d run down a cyclist because they’re criminally irresponsible. Wear a jersey like this, and you’ll find out if it’s true.


ue3k9jbz5040Gumby. He’s everyone’s pal. He has a soft spot for dim-witted clay horses named Pokie. Hi Gumby, thanks for the wave!

I rest my case.


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